Growing up
Hi, I just wanted to share a little bit about my child hood....
I was born May of 1978. My mom and biological father were still together. He was scitzofrenic (Misspelled).. He was in and out of institutions. He and my mom split up when i was 2 i think.. My mom took care of my older brother and me. She worked hard to take care of us.. My biological father Billy is his name that is how i think of him.. began to abuse me. This went on for some years i am not quite sure how long because i dont remember alot of my child hood.. i remember his house and how he used to do things. Like when he would leave he would turn his main power box off and he would shut his water off, and he would put nails in his driveway. I remember one time a truck came up the driveway and billy grabbed his gun. but he later realized it was his brothers... He taught my brother and i how to shoot a riffle at an early age he kept that gun around all the time. he had a doberman pincher that was mean. he even kept an attack goose in his yard... I remember he would send my brother to the road where the main power and main water line was, and when my brother left to turn the things on he would start abusing me. i was three when he started this. i remember the stuff he would make me do but i wont go into all of that.. I thought that was was father and daughters did i didnt know any different until the day i was 6 and i knew then that this wasnt right and i told him this. he grabbed his gun and told me if i told anyone he would kill me. so i didnt tell for a long time but the abuse continued, he got kicks out of making us watch XXX movies. And when the movie was over the abuse began again.. I dont remeber when i finally told my mom and by this time she had married the man i now call dad. But when i told my mom she took me straight to the doctor who had verified the abuse she pressed charges on billy. I didnt understand why i couldnt see him because he was my dad and i loved him.. so this began the what did i do wrong stage why was i being punished why couldnt i see my dad.but then i realized that billy was the one doing the wrong not me.... After he was convicted he was not allowed contact with us. i remember he used to drive past our house several times a day... and i also remember what i had to go through with counseling and learning to trust people again.. Which i still have trouble with but i learned to read people by their body language. and most of the time i know who i can trust and who i cant trust.. January 2006 he shot himself in the head with his trusty ole riffle...
So now i dont know how to feel i didnt cry when i found this out, makes me feel bad to because i know his illness took over his life and that is why he abused me... But there was only one thing i wanted him to say. I'm Sorry. I never heard those to little words instead i heard you were brain washed, or you're lying.. even some family members didnt believe me.. especially billy's aunt, we called Aunt Frank.. She stood behind him 100%. But later in years i found out i wasnt the only one he abuse it was also a girl the was 17 years old and my cousin who was just a little older than me but i am the first one that came forward of this abuse... But i have no feelings for this man as a dad only as a person who was trapped inside his mind his life was not his own it belonged to the voices he heard.. When he died i was scared that he would come and haunt me. i would have dreams about him, his death released his hold on my i had thought but it didnt you see his hold is only release with forgiveness and i forgave him a long time ago but i really hadnt. this is a post to say billy i forgive you... because after this it is over no more nightmares of the bad things he did and no more scared nights that he will come back for me... I am taking charge of my life and i am moving on with it... So you are wondering how am i gonna get past this... I am gonna forget this i am gonna pray that god will take this away from me. And i am gonna bury it.. in the depths of my mind.
I was born May of 1978. My mom and biological father were still together. He was scitzofrenic (Misspelled).. He was in and out of institutions. He and my mom split up when i was 2 i think.. My mom took care of my older brother and me. She worked hard to take care of us.. My biological father Billy is his name that is how i think of him.. began to abuse me. This went on for some years i am not quite sure how long because i dont remember alot of my child hood.. i remember his house and how he used to do things. Like when he would leave he would turn his main power box off and he would shut his water off, and he would put nails in his driveway. I remember one time a truck came up the driveway and billy grabbed his gun. but he later realized it was his brothers... He taught my brother and i how to shoot a riffle at an early age he kept that gun around all the time. he had a doberman pincher that was mean. he even kept an attack goose in his yard... I remember he would send my brother to the road where the main power and main water line was, and when my brother left to turn the things on he would start abusing me. i was three when he started this. i remember the stuff he would make me do but i wont go into all of that.. I thought that was was father and daughters did i didnt know any different until the day i was 6 and i knew then that this wasnt right and i told him this. he grabbed his gun and told me if i told anyone he would kill me. so i didnt tell for a long time but the abuse continued, he got kicks out of making us watch XXX movies. And when the movie was over the abuse began again.. I dont remeber when i finally told my mom and by this time she had married the man i now call dad. But when i told my mom she took me straight to the doctor who had verified the abuse she pressed charges on billy. I didnt understand why i couldnt see him because he was my dad and i loved him.. so this began the what did i do wrong stage why was i being punished why couldnt i see my dad.but then i realized that billy was the one doing the wrong not me.... After he was convicted he was not allowed contact with us. i remember he used to drive past our house several times a day... and i also remember what i had to go through with counseling and learning to trust people again.. Which i still have trouble with but i learned to read people by their body language. and most of the time i know who i can trust and who i cant trust.. January 2006 he shot himself in the head with his trusty ole riffle...
So now i dont know how to feel i didnt cry when i found this out, makes me feel bad to because i know his illness took over his life and that is why he abused me... But there was only one thing i wanted him to say. I'm Sorry. I never heard those to little words instead i heard you were brain washed, or you're lying.. even some family members didnt believe me.. especially billy's aunt, we called Aunt Frank.. She stood behind him 100%. But later in years i found out i wasnt the only one he abuse it was also a girl the was 17 years old and my cousin who was just a little older than me but i am the first one that came forward of this abuse... But i have no feelings for this man as a dad only as a person who was trapped inside his mind his life was not his own it belonged to the voices he heard.. When he died i was scared that he would come and haunt me. i would have dreams about him, his death released his hold on my i had thought but it didnt you see his hold is only release with forgiveness and i forgave him a long time ago but i really hadnt. this is a post to say billy i forgive you... because after this it is over no more nightmares of the bad things he did and no more scared nights that he will come back for me... I am taking charge of my life and i am moving on with it... So you are wondering how am i gonna get past this... I am gonna forget this i am gonna pray that god will take this away from me. And i am gonna bury it.. in the depths of my mind.
posted by amanda @ Wednesday, January 03, 2007
3 comments
